Essays and writings

Coronavirus

This essay is to those of us who are blessed to have a roof over our head and food to eat or more privileges, during this experience, as I am also acutely aware of those among us who are less privileged, and for who these kinds of questions are superseded by the drive of mere survival at this time. 

I have recently spent some time looking at an incredible amount of different and varied reactions and theories related to the coronavirus pandemic online, reflecting some of my personal responses and bringing at times quite a bit of confusion as I have tried, sifting through the plethora of opposing theories, to figure out what is true.  

There are so many theories, so many deeply inviting pathways to delve into, appealing to many parts inside of me, parts looking for answers, parts wanting to be right about my world view, parts inside me wanting to point and scream at those perpetrators of evil and betrayers of humankind and spread awareness and understanding.  

Wake up Sheeple! 

Parts that want to have the truth, because if we know and understand what is truly going on, then something can be done to fix it. I want to be right because I want, inherently, to feel acknowledged and also safe. 

I have not really delved too deeply into any of the theories to warrant a discussion of them. I have nothing to contribute in that way. What I do want to share is an observation, correlation and insight. What strikes me about most of the narratives out there, is that most of them are doing what so many of us have been doing for ages: identifying an enemy which we can then target, bring to awareness and then fight and vanquish. This is also spoken about in greater detail by Charles Eisenstein and his excellent work. To repeat his words, used in his essay entitled The Coronation, in all honestly, I know that I simply do not know at this point, and it feels more truthful and more peaceful to be accepting of that right now. 

I hope the truth will prevail, and I wouldn’t be surprised if any one of the narratives end up being reality. We, as a species have been so entrenched in our conscious and unconscious ways of creating agreements, narratives and structures through fear, that we live in a time and place of complexity of our own making.  To think of looking deeply into any of this at this point feels futile for me, as it depends on which sources I delve into – I can re-affirm any perspective, or not. This also demands an incredible amount of time, which I have, but would like to spend differently. I also recognise that my pre-existing bias will probably be urging me into a direction before I start. 

One thing that is clear though, is that the official and government - sponsored response to this pandemic has been almost exclusively to increase awareness of danger (fear) and as a response to increase control at any cost. All that is available and newsworthy is deaths and infections, never reporting the number of recoveries, and stressing more and more that we will need to give up more and more freedoms. 

And so I decided that I would look inside of me at what parts of me are being mirrored in what I am seeing reflected out there, which parts feel unsafe or dangerous, and which are protecting me from this. 

I see how my mind uses fear to try and protect me from that which it perceives as harmful or dangerous to me, whether true or not. I see that this brings me large amounts of discomfort and pain. I see that projecting this onto others or the world around me reflects it back to me constantly. I see that bringing any more control to this situation, in any way or form, be it through pushing, reasoning, warring, attempting to fix or manipulate, in fact worsens the situation rather than ameliorates it. My mind, in its own limited understanding of self, tries to protect me from past traumas and painful experiences by protecting me from my emotional self, disallowing at all cost expression and feeling of these pains and traumas. This blocks me from being in a balanced and connected state, in a healthy open state of living life, as a tremendous amount of energy is spent on maintaining this separation internally between that which is deemed to be OK, and that which is judged as harmful and insufficient. It maintains a hierarchy of sorts; I can hardly blame my mind, as after all, it is trying its best to protect me from what it thinks I need to avoid in order to keep me safe, and in truth I have given it all the authority over my experience of life through agreement. It does what is does: weighs, judges and discerns. Then acts in a way that doesn’t deliberate with the rest of me, because it clearly thinks that it knows what needs to be done. The protective parts inside of me wish for the hurt parts to remain closed and safe as they are, as letting them out is dangerous, the unknown that lies beyond surrender is unthinkable to these parts that have until now mostly operated and experienced life from within a controlling framework. The entrenched worldview that has been created through my development and then all of this is also obviously the correct one, not to be threatened too much. Sounds familiar?

As soon as I allow my consciousness to relax, breathe deeply for some time, look up and around me at the sky, greenery and vibrancy of life in all of its forms, I can see that the entire narrative that supports and necessitates this protection to be false, and in fact to be the main reason behind all the contraction, fear and imprisonment that I experience and have experienced. Not, in fact that unknown which it is protecting me from, as that is not presently expressing or being felt! There is unexpressed pain, yes, but in my experience the constant vigilance and suppression causes much, much more pain than that which it is trying to protect me from. The suffering that results from constant opposition to what is is vast. I can, however, also choose over time to bring compassion to these hurt parts of myself, and crucially, also to the protective parts, because they too are loyally doing what they think is right. I realise my description of the healing process to be very basic, but it suffices for what I would like to communicate in this writing.

Where we put our attention is where our energy flows. This is what we empower in our lives. This has always been true, but lately this feels to be so much more amplified than it has been, previously. It is almost as if at this moment I am experiencing the result of my choices instantaneously and more strongly than ever. I am unsure if this is the case for everyone, but I invite each one of you, when you are feeling anxious or fearful, claustrophobic or angry to ask this question of yourself: Where is my attention? 

This whole crisis feels to me in fact an invitation, a pause and a huge opportunity to ask some important questions of ourselves. This is bringing me face to face with parts inside of me that have been and still want to hold on to the way things have always been. I have seen through the years, that the only real way to bring healing to myself is to bring intention for the healing, and then invite space, bring compassion, support and kindness to all of these different parts inside of myself and to allow things to relax and take their own time to start expressing and being allowed to express. It is through quality attention and allowing the movement towards health that I am healed. Not away from pain.  If I focus on pain, it increases. If I focus on space and where I am opening up towards, the pain is felt through expression, and thus is taken care of without me needing to fix any of it. I do not need to fixate on it at all. It is hard enough if my past pains and traumas are activated to allow them to be felt and expressed. The very energy expressing contains the contraction that has kept them hostage – when I fixate to try to fix, it makes it so much worse. This still leaves space for curiosity and inquiry, but arising from a more balanced place of witnessing.

As soon as I push too hard, I experience a push back. I have spent years trying to heal by fixing, by pushing, pulling, throwing medicines at, extracting or banishing, just to realise that it is my own resistance to seeing and feeling the truth that had me going about it this way. In a way, these protectors are excellent teachers, as they are forcing me to change my attitude towards myself to something more true before they are willing to play ball, heal and integrate. This is important to recognise, as what seems to be in the way is regularly actually trying to bring our attention to something, a different approach or a mindset. 

This invitation is to approach life, our problems, struggles and this time of upheaval with a different energy, with the possibility for an expanded mindset. How that looks for each of us will be different - what is it that you would like to open up to in your life, in the world? 

This invitation is bringing us a chance to ask some important questions, and to answer them from our own authentic selves. Am I experiencing peace in my life? Which narratives am I aware of that don’t serve as a vision of inner peace? What can I practice that feels healthy, kind and nourishing to me right now? This is bringing us an opportunity to start shifting something deep inside of ourselves and start allowing something beautiful to arise. What kind of world would we like to inhabit, and have our children and future generations inhabit? If we would like to bring liberty for expression, exploration, playfulness, for more kindness and love, for a world in which we act from love rather than fear or scarcity, we cannot bring this about by using the energy of control. We can’t use the old energy or old answers to bring about something different; they are based in an expiring narrative. We cannot fight for it, we cannot vanquish an enemy in order to achieve it. We cannot afford another revolution that just changes the players and tinkers with a system that has essentially brought us to this in the first place. We can throw Donald Trump in prison, or Bill Gates, or all of those that we have personally identified as evil. We can break the back of the Cabal and celebrate! Off with their heads! This will, unfortunately, not bring healing, we have done this again and again, and we don’t seem to learn that it doesn’t really change anything. We need to raise our vibration, our consciousness – yes, each and every one of us. You reading this, you are also responsible for the shift by raising your vibration and focusing your beautiful and powerful attention and light of awareness on what you would like to increase and co-create on this planet. Envision and feel how you would like it to feel! I do acknowledge that there are those who feel deeply called to spread awareness, to find and bring the truth of what is happening to the rest of us and to those I say thank you!  

This is not easy, as when we allow a brighter light to shine, we see what has always been there, hiding or being hidden in the shadows. This is not a pleasant process, but it is truth, and it is a gateway to a freedom from all of these machinations we have all been enacting for so, so long, currently being reflected back at us through the collective environment.

I don’t have the answers, but I believe if we can each rest in what we feel to be calling us to raise our level of consciousness and awareness of Self, then collectively and with individualised expressions of creativity and passion we will be able to create something vastly new, fresh and beautiful over time.

I would like to invite everyone, including myself, to ponder this important question: Where is my attention, and is it in alignment with what I would like to create more of in this life, in this world at this point? Attention is not restrictive, it does not mean that we have our head in the sand and we aren’t aware of what is going on around us at the moment, but it is what we occupy ourselves with for most of the time we do have. How are you spending your time, and is it in alignment with what wants to arise inside of you?

We can be compassionate to our past, collectively understanding that we were sleepwalking through figuring out who we are, still growing into our fuller potential. I sense a deeper truth and light emerging, very potently helping guide us to a more resilient and eternal truth to be found inside of us. It is illuminating our creations based in fear and pain, and helping us acknowledge them, no more. This is all that is truly under threat, our own collective and personal human creations, and the effects that they have wrought over time on us and our environment.

Presently and personally, spending quality time with myself or with loved ones in play, outside in the sun is an act of activism far more potent than focusing on or demanding to know what seems to be in the way. I feel that when I allow more awareness, lightness, love and space into my awareness, what is in the way seems to arise into experience to be acknowledged and then slowly melts into irrelevance. At times it is slightly harder than that and demands a considerable amount of acknowledgement! This is my truth. What is it that you would like to invest in by bringing your powerful and beautiful energy to? This is your choice, the invitation is to choose with awareness that it truly matters, not only for you, but for the whole as well. This feels significantly true at this special moment in time. We are inter-connected, and how we live and experience life is our tune, harmonizing with every other unique tune to create a symphony that wants to be played joyously by our collective hearts.

Gratitude to you for reading this, and gratitude for all that is occurring, as all of it, no matter how uncomfortable, is urging us towards the deeper discovery of our true potential and nature.

~Bernhard, April 2020.